Four years ago today, I had my first seizure.

I want to say I remember everything about that morning, but I can’t. I remember saying goodbye to my brothers and my dad as they left for school and work. I remember checking my facebook and giving up because nothing was making sense.

And, then, as though someone was editing my life and decided to cut a scene out, there were paramedics in my living room. I remember them standing in a line except for one who was sitting next to me. I remember the look on my mom’s face. I remember the EMT who began to escort me to the ambulance.

I remember walking outside. I remember feeling strange, I remember flashing lights, I remember feeling floaty, I remember tunnel vision.

Then, nothing.

Apart from that, I don’t remember a lot about that day. I don’t remember a lot about the days that followed either. I don’t remember arriving to the hospital. I don’t remember the central panel being put in. I don’t remember being intubated (thankfully). I don’t remember the catheter being inserted (again, thankfully). I remember neither my first CT scan nor my first MRI. I was under sedation when I received my first spinal tap. I couldn’t tell you how many tubes I was connected to when they brought me out of sedation. All the needles, the nurses, the doctors, the tests from my first hospital stay are one giant blur. I don’t remember many specifics.

They tell me I had two more seizures before arriving to the hospital that first day. I don’t remember those either.

However, I do and will always remember that September 23rd 2010 was the day that marked the biggest change in my life thus far.

In general, it’s not so bad. I have become closer with my family. I know that the friends I have are ones that I can always count on. I have become more attuned to my body and its needs. I am able to inform others about a condition I would otherwise be ignorant of. My brother met his girlfriend through the red cross class I forced him to take the following January because I wanted to be first aid trained. She was the instructor. They celebrated their two year anniversary this past February, and, this past summer, they went to Peru together before she began medical school this term. You’re welcome, A.J.

I do miss the privileges. Sleeping in, driving, not having to think about the possibility that my next seizure may prompt my doctor to strongly recommend brain surgery… You know… The little things. It’s frustrating and disheartening sometimes, but I’ve got it pretty good. A life with this condition seems daunting, but you just have to take it day by day.

Anyway, my life has changed because of what happened four years ago today. I don’t think I mean to celebrate it, but I think it’s worth commenting on.

Also, I have to study and procrastinating is my favorite pastime.


Emma Sulkowicz is on the cover of this month’s New York Magazine and that is the coolest thing wow

every girl that was a stoner in high school knew about the bobby pin roach clip haha we were chiefin that shit till it was dust

The most hardcore handshake of all time.